8 Keys to Texting Girls

{By Ellery Sadler}

Every guy texts girls, but texting isn’t as simple as you may think.

Guys, there are a few things you should know before texting a girl (especially a girl you ‘like’ like).

Being on the receiving end of guys’ texts, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to learn what works and what could be done better. I’ve gotten texts ranging from poetry to promises that are never kept to strange questions to hilarious comebacks to random things that just leave me wondering why the person bothered to text me at all.

To all you guys texting girls out there, here are some things that you should know.

1. Ask Questions

This may seem very basic, but in any conversation it is critical that you ask questions. Otherwise, you’re placing the entire burden of the conversation on the girl. If you instigate a conversation, be ready and willing to actually communicate by showing interest in how she’s doing and what she’s been up to. A question is an expression of interest; it shows you aren’t just self-centered and that you are actually a good friend.

 2. But Remember This is Not an Interview

Yes, it is important to ask questions, but don’t make your texting sound like the script from an interview. Instead of just asking “How are you?” and then moving to “What have you been up to lately?”, when she answers about how she’s doing, follow up with another question about what she’s just told you. Dig a little deeper. Ask open-ended follow-up questions. If this is a girl you’re actually interested in, you should go beyond just the bare minimum of conversation.

3. Would I Say This to Her Face Test

Always ask yourself this before sending that semi-questionable text. Would you say this to her face? It’s very easy to be charming or sweet or funny via text. And that can be ok, but texting has given guys (& girls) an easy cop-out. You can say nice things, flirty things, risky things, without actually having to say them at all. But unless you are man enough to say ‘You’re beautiful’ or ‘You’re cute ;)’ or ‘I really like you’ to her face, you really shouldn’t be texting that to her. Besides, while it is riskier to say something like that to a girl in person, it makes you ten times more respect-worthy. Texting sweet things (if you haven’t had the guts to tell her in person as well) is just a flirtatious cop-out and it’s basically unimpressive.

[Also, girls generally take your words more seriously than you probably meant them. So if you don’t really mean it: do not text it. And if you do, then tell her in person.]

4. Be Interesting & Engaging 

Always start with a piece of information and/or a question. “Hi, how’ve you been?” or “Hey, I loved that picture you posted on FB, looks like you had a blast in NYC. How was it?” Get the focus off of yourself and onto her. Try not to start a conversation with merely a ‘Hi’ or ‘Hello’. What girl is going to text back to that? It’s boring. Everyone likes to have someone interested in them and their life, so if you are interested in her act like it.

5. Stop Being Afraid

We live in a culture ensnared in the fear of commitment. We’re terrified to commit to anything: jobs, friends, relationships etc. But commitment is cool and it is the gentleman’s way. If you are interested in a girl and have been texting her consistently for a while, it’s probably time to move to the next step. Don’t leave her hanging or wondering what you’re thinking. Don’t leave her to interpret your hints at something more. Be honest and upfront. Always. And it impresses a girl when you are willing to show some interest and instigate interaction.

Don’t be so hesitant that you miss out. If you’ve ‘like’ liked a girl for six months and never texted her anything but the occasional ‘Hi, how are you?’ she is not going to know. [You can get the message across a lot better in person, just FYI.]

6. Ask Her Out

[2015 Edit]  If you can’t think of something creative – like writing an anonymous letter and putting it in a secret place only you two know about, or writing it on the sidewalk where she goes to work, or giving her a puppy with a note around its neck (& for the guys out there this is definitely the way that I would like to be asked out – with a puppy please) – ask her in real life.

Or, if you want to keep it low key & aren’t sure if she’s going to say yes or don’t want to put her in an awkward position, you can ask her to get coffee via text. But don’t just let the relationship hang. If you like her enough to be texting her all the time, you probably should ask her out.

7. If You’re Not Interested Don’t Text Her Too Much

I was talking with one of my best friend’s about this article and asked if there was anything she thought I should add.  “The amount you text,” she said. “That’s really important. Because the more you text someone, the more interest you are showing.”

Interest is frequently expressed by the amount of time you spend with someone or talking to someone. Time is love. If you’re texting a girl all day every day but just think of it as a casual friendship, you may want to take another look. The signal you are sending her (whether you mean to be or not) is that you are interested in her. If you want to keep your relationship with a girl ‘just friends’ don’t text her too much.

8. Be A Good Friend When You’re Texting

You should always be a good friend. This means that you should treat her with respect, care about her as a person, and not play with her emotions. This goes for more than just texting, but treat her how you would want someone to treat your sister (or how you want someone to treat you). Don’t say more than you mean. Don’t leave her hanging. Do treat her with respect. Do have fun with her. Do make her laugh. Do call her on the phone. (No, guys, it really isn’t that big of a deal. It isn’t a marriage proposal.  And it’s a way better way to get to know someone than texting. In fact, believe it or not, that’s how everyone used to communicate. Lighten up & give her a call.)


So, be sure you ask questions (but not too many), think about her and not yourself, man up and tell her whatever that great line/compliment is in person and only text her a lot if you’re genuinely interested in her.  But it still holds true that texting is not a great way to get to know someone, so if you really are interested – talk to her in person.

Yes, I’m hoping chivalry isn’t dead and it’s just in a coma. If it’s dead, please don’t tell me, I don’t want to hear it.



  1. Love this article! I already do a lot of your tips but I’m going to work on perfecting them!

  2. Really good article! :-)

    As a girl, I think we (girls) should be aware of texting etiquette!

  3. Ellery Sadler says:

    I’m so glad you liked it Jessica! Absolutely, we definitely need to be aware of texting etiquette, especially when guys are texting us. Thanks for commenting!

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